


i don't care where you live at

by allourheroes



Category: Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Ultimate Universe
Genre: (sort of), Double Superfamily, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Prompt Fic, Superfamily (Marvel), sambucky spiderfam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 18:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1697780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allourheroes/pseuds/allourheroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing Peter wants when he's got Deadpool under him is for Miles to walk in. The last thing he <i>expects</i> is an awkward adventure to come out of it. (Oh, yeah, and Wade told Miles that they're engaged. What's up with that?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i don't care where you live at

**Author's Note:**

  * For [impalafortrenchcoats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/impalafortrenchcoats/gifts).



> So, I had been discussing this double/alternate superfamily thing with [Tru](http://impalafortrenchcoats.tumblr.com) for a while (Sam/Bucky with little Miles) and she just graduated college (as did I)… The least I could do was fulfill our ridiculous whims for her simple trope prompt of "pretend married Spideypool." Oops.
> 
> This is a mix of 616 and Ultimates and MCU… What-- what do you want from me? Miles is just a kid, Peter is a teenager, Deadpool is Deadpool not that Ultimates monstrosity, and I've just combined bits and pieces as I've seen fit.
> 
> Title from "Blah Blah Blah" by Ke$ha. It seems appropriate.

“Wade,” Peter says warningly, even as he pulls the man through his window.

“Yes, sweetcheeks?” Deadpool replies, grabbing Peter’s ass for emphasis.

“My dads--”

“Are out avenging their good fashion sense, Petey,” Wade says, pressing his body to the teenager’s.

“Stars and stripes _never_ go out of style,” Peter says, mock-seriousness in his voice.

“Cap’s _ass_ never goes out of style, I mean--”

“You are, honestly, the worst person I’ve ever met,” Peter interrupts, wanting to stop that sentence before it reaches the point of no return. He’s pushing Deadpool down on the bed and climbing on top of him, however. He straddles Wade’s hips and pulls up the mask, pressing a kiss to Wade’s mouth that he knows is far too slow, too teasing. Wade arches up beneath him, but Peter uses his enhanced strength to press him down.

Unfortunately, his spider sense doesn’t go off for non-threats.

“Peter?” says a voice from the doorway and it’s with a terrible amount of confusion that he finally remembers that he had left his door ajar for just this reason--not the getting caught thing, no, but for Miles.

“H-hey, little buddy,” Peter croaks, and it’s as if he’s frozen in place on top of his not-boyfriend.

“What are you doing?” Miles asks, and Peter can practically hear his suspicion. “Why were you kissing the guy in the costume? He’s not an Avenger.”

Peter rests his forehead on Wade’s collarbone for a moment, sighing. This is bad. This is very bad. Miles is still pretty young, but he knows just enough that a blatant lie will only make it worse.

Suddenly, Wade is sitting up beneath him and Peter is surprised enough to be dislodged--now finding himself in Wade’s lap rather than just on top of him. “Didn’t you hear, baby spider?” Wade says, grinning. He takes Peter’s hand in his own and holds it up and Peter wonders if he can _actually_ die of mortification. “We’re getting married, of course. Oh, no. Did no one give you your invitation?” Wade slaps a hand over his mouth and looks at Peter. “Have I ruined the surprise, _darling_?” 

“I-- I-- I, uh.” Peter is honestly at a loss for words. He scratches the back of his head. “Uh. Y-yeah.”

Miles is eyeing him like he’s still not quite convinced.

“We’re just, uh, waiting until I’m eighteen,” he says, and wants to hit himself _and_ Wade right now.

“ _Really_?” Miles asks.

“Would I lie to you?” Peter asks and feels more than sees Wade’s enthusiastic nodding. The answer _is_ quite clearly yes, but Miles has always looked up to him--as an older spider, at least--so he hopes that’s enough. “You just gotta promise not to tell my dads,” Peter says, then quickly adds, “Or-- or yours, alright?”

“It’s a secret,” Wade tells Miles solemnly and holds out his hand. “Pinky promise you won’t tell?”

Miles does not trust Deadpool, and it’s for good reason.

“ _Please_ , Miles?” Peter is not above begging or bribing a nine-year-old and the latter will become _very_ necessary if this doesn’t work.

Miles makes a face and Peter hopes that his own expression is one that can melt the heart of a child. “Okay,” he says finally, with no intention of _touching_ Wade’s hand--it’s probably for the best.

Wade pulls his hand back as if wounded. “What about my _feelings_?” he says dramatically and Peter is still tense as hell, but he lets out a snort.

“You’re lucky. He’s got venom,” he tells him, pushing at Wade’s chest. He finally manages to scramble himself off of Wade and crouches down next to Miles. “What’s wrong? I don’t think you came in here looking for my, uh, fiancé.”

Miles’s face scrunches up. “Sam went with the Avengers and I can’t find dad,” he says finally. “I had a nightmare.”

“Do you want me to find your dad”--“I’ve had some nightmares about the Weiner Soldier, but they’re more of the wet-- _ow_!”--“or do you want to talk to me about it?” Peter glares at Wade and Wade just rubs at his injured shoulder and glares back. Pete turns his sympathy up to eleven and looks at Miles.

Miles’s lip quibbles and he seems to be thinking. “It was about-- it was about him. I need to see my dad, okay? I… I need to see him.”

“Gotcha,” Peter says with a smile. “And you tried asking JARVIS?”

Miles nods and Peter bites back his curse behind a strained smile. “I’m sure we’ll find him.”

“ _Peeeeter_ , what about me?” Wade whines.

“How ’bout this? If you find Bucky first, I will reward you _handsomely_.” He raises an eyebrow and Wade practically bounces up and down.

“Gimme five,” Wade announces as he pulls his mask back down over his face and bounds back out the window he had come in through.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Miles asks.

“He’ll be fine,” Peter says, then looks up toward the ceiling. “Really, JARVIS? You lost track of pop’s best friend?”

“Sergeant Barnes is not in the tower,” the AI responds. “Nor is he anywhere I have been able to track. He is rather talented at disappearing.”

Peter sighs. “Guess we’re doing this the old-fashioned way.” He rummages around for his suit under the bed. He heads into the bathroom to put on his costume and comes out with everything on but the mask. “Can you wait here?” he asks, unsurprised when Miles shakes his head. “Your dads are gonna _kill_ me,” he says and Miles’s expression is one of fierce determination.

“Pretty sure _your_ dads are gonna kill your _fiancé_ first,” Miles tells him and the kid is _way_ too smart.

Peter laughs anyway. “Touché.” He pulls on his mask and webs Miles to him.

“I could’ve done that,” Miles says and Peter just looks out the window. This is definitely a mistake.

Luckily, it doesn’t take long before they find a scuffle on one of the rooftops--a rooftop that just so _happens_ to be overlooking a pretty nasty battle going on between the Avengers and a _fairly_ small group of Skrulls.

“Ow-- nice shot though. Hey, do you work out?” Wade’s voice is hard to not recognize.

“Deadpool,” Peter says, landing far enough from the fight to not put Miles at risk and disconnecting himself from the kid.

“Why’s this guy tryin’ to wrestle me to the floor?” Bucky asks without looking at Peter, too busy with Deadpool.

“Dad?” Miles says and Bucky looks like he’s about to murder Deadpool to get to his kid, so Peter pries the merc off of him.

“I had him, Spidey. I found him!” Deadpool shouts indignantly.

“I know you did,” Spider-Man agrees and then takes note of the new bullet holes. He turns to Bucky, “Did you shoot my boyfriend?”

“I’m your boyfriend?” Deadpool says. “Oh, yeah. I’m your boyfriend. I’m your fiancé.” He nods, looking in Miles’s direction. “Can you, me, and tacos have a three-way? Or a--”

“Shut up, Wade.”

Bucky is looking at Peter _very_ angrily. “The hell were you thinking bringing him out here?”

“What? Did you want me to let him web his way out here on his own?” Peter asks petulantly, then tries to backtrack. Angry Bucky is the last thing he wants. “He was looking for you. He had a nightmare.”

Deadpool is still talking, but they’re not paying him any mind until, “ _Ooh_ , look, the _Falcon_!”

“Fuck!” Bucky murmurs under his breath.

“Thought I saw some commotion up here,” Sam says and he takes off his goggles. “Bucky? Miles? I thought you two’d be back at the tower.” He glares at Bucky. “You were supposed to watch him tonight.” He then notices Bucky’s sniper rifle and rolls his eyes. “Me and Steve and the rest of the Avengers--we got this, alright?” Redwing is perched on his shoulder and he tilts his head toward the bird and cracks a smile.

Deadpool and Spider-Man look at each other and try not to giggle maniacally--not just at Sam’s bird-to-bird communication, but the nice scolding he’s giving Bucky to boot.

“So…” Peter starts. “My work here is done?”

Sam looks at him pointedly, then Bucky. “Y’all better get your asses back to the tower before Steve notices I’m gone. He may not be able to fly, but his husband is not so ground-bound.”

“Ooh, I love it when you order me around,” Bucky says, half-sarcastically.

“Shut up,” Sam tells him, leaning in for a kiss. He gives Miles’s shoulder a squeeze and looks down at him. “Make sure he _stays_ this time, okay?”

“Got it, Falcon,” Miles says, and salutes.

Sam smiles--and if there’s any sadness there that the kid he’s been raising with Bucky for the past three years still refuses to call him any form of dad, well, it’s hard to tell. “I gotta get back down there.” He starts to walk over to the ledge, then turns back and looks at Deadpool. “And _you’re_ coming with me.”

“Who? _Me_? But me and Spidey--”

“Unless you want me to tell Cap and Iron Man what _exactly_ you get up to in their son’s bedroom, I’d advise you join us down there. Then, we can break it to ’em _slowly_ ,” Sam says and Deadpool’s shoulders slump.

“Wait for me, Petey,” Deadpool says as Falcon grabs him and flies them down into the fray.

“You and Deadpool,” Bucky says, and it’s not a question. It _is_ probably filled with a lot of judgement, however.

“They’re getting married,” Miles tells Bucky solemnly.

Bucky raises an eyebrow at the teenager, the corner of his lips quirking into a smirk that Peter does _not_ trust at all. “Oh?”

Peter rubs the back of his head and laughs nervously. It’s going to be a _very_ long night.


End file.
